


Your Viewing Assignment Tonight

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-04-15
Updated: 1999-04-15
Packaged: 2018-11-11 01:52:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11138841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: See what can happen when you don't label your videocassettes?  Let This Be A Warning To You All





	Your Viewing Assignment Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Your  
Viewing Assignment Tonight...
    
    
    I
    apologize in advance for this one -- it's just something I had to get
    out of my system.  Hope the format doesn't cause too much eyestrain or
    confusion.
    See what can happen when you don't label your videocassettes?  Let This
    Be A Warning To You All! --kb
    
    
    
    # YOUR VIEWING ASSIGNMENT TONIGHT ...
    
    
    By Katrina Bowen 
    
    (Late one night, on the Satellite of Love.)
    
    Three figures, one tall, two short and oddly misshapen, enter the empty
    theater.  "So what does Dr. Forrester have for us tonight?"
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ray is looking for sunglasses.  He says, "I can only guess that the old
    ones had some mojo."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Hojo?  What does Howard Johnson's have to do with this?"
    	"No, he said mojo."
    	"Mojo Nixon?"
    	"No -- Mojo Rising!"  The three start to sing the Doors' song.
    "Got my mojo rising!"
            "Those shades aren't a good choice for him at all."
    
            "Yeah.  He looks like the love child of Ray Charles and, uh --"
    
            "Prince Charles?"
            "Good one!"
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ben picks up Ida's dropped toy bunny and runs after the departing taxi.
    Dief runs after him.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Which way did he go? Which way did he go?  Where's that cute
    little bunny rabbit I saw?  I will pet him and love him --"
    	"Hey, he's running right through the back seat of some lady's
    car!  It's just like a Mentos ad!"
    	"Nothing gets to you --"
    	"Staying fresh, staying cool!"  They all sing together -- "Mentos fresh
    and full of life!"
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ray is knocked over by a bike messenger.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Look out!  Look out!"
    	"Oh, I hate it when that happens."
            "Maybe if you took off the damn shades, you could SEE!"
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ben tells Ida, "For future reference, you might want to fasten your handbag
    more securely."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Oooh, Mountie safety tips."
    	"Yeah, right.  He runs into the middle of traffic, goes through
    some strange woman's car, runs through a crowd of people eating hot dogs
    -- any one of whom could have choked when he bumped into them - - he
    leaps over a bunch of furniture, he's hanging out with a goddamn *wolf*,
    and we're supposed to take his advice on personal safety?  Give me a
    break."
    	"Well, it's a cute wolf."
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I don't even know who you are."
    "Yeah, I know."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Oh, they're made for each other."
    	"Okay, I've seen this show before.  It's about a Mountie --"
    	"A Mountie?  The sign says Chicago.  There aren't Mounties in
    Chicago, you moron."
    	"Well, generally, no, there aren't.  He was transferred."
    	"Transferred?  What do you have to do to get kicked out of
    Canada?  Spit on Neil Young?  Insult a moose?  Really, really suck at
    hockey?"
    	"Shut up, the credits are over."
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Man is breaking into warehouse, holding flashlight in his mouth.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"You know, these new light cigarettes are great!"
    	"Look at those sunglasses, guys -- it's Robert Goulet!"
    	"C'est moi!"
    	"Look!  Look!  Milton Berle as Shelly Litvak!"
    	"Uncle Miltie?"
    	"Yeah, and he's playing a woman named Shelly.  I guess he
    never really got over that whole drag thing, huh?"
    	"And don't call me Shelly!"
    	"No, no.  Leslie Nielson isn't in this one."
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ben takes a pencil out of his tunic, starts drawing.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" 
    "Oh, he's good."
    	"Yeah.  He's taking classes at the Art Institute."
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ray asks, "Where else are you going to find dollar bills folded so they'll
    fit in a g-string?"
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Well, there was the unfortunate incident up in the Yukon with a caribou,
    four bottles of tequila and a can of cheese spray, but let's not get
    into that right now, okay?"
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    "I hope this isn't too embarrassing for you."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Come on!  He's got strippers flopping their gazongas right in his face
    and he's not even looking?  He's not human!"
    	"Hey, here's a theory.  Disney owns the Mounties, right?"
    	"Well, that's not really the way it works --"
    	"No, no, listen.  I know what's going on now!  The Mountie is one of
    those animatronic figures, like in the Hall of Presidents, or the Pirates
    of the Caribbean!  That explains the whole thing!"
    	"Oh, come on."
    	"Well, do you have a better theory, Mr. Expert?"
    	"Uhhhh ---"
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    The strip joint is filled with rats.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	"Hey, look, there's Willard!"
    	"No, no.  The same thing happened in Salem's Lot."
    	"Boy, I've heard about the health code violations in some of these places,
    but this is ridiculous."
    
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Ben picks up rat, holds it to his face.
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
    
    	All three figures break into song.  "When I'm calling
    yoooooooo..."
    	"Awww, look.  Isn't that sweet?  Now he's reassuring the rat.
    He's so nice and polite."
    	"He's talking to the rat?  What the hell is this, anyway --
    Beastmaster 4: The Mountie Years?"
    
    	All three fall silent, watching the show.  Finally Tom Servo says, "Do
    you think Dr. Forrester is losing his touch?  I mean, usually the things
    he shows us are really horrible, but this doesn't suck at all." 	Mike
    sighed.  "Look, I think we should give the doc a break.  I
    heard there's a problem with TV's Frank."
    	"Yeah."  Crow settled deeper into his seat.  "Let's just watch this.
    We need to save our strength for next week, anyway."
     	"Why?  What's next week?"
    	"I hear Dr. Forrester got his hands on a copy of --" he
    shuddered.
    	"You don't mean --"
    	"*Cutthroat Island*?"
    	An echoing, eerie voice filled the theater.  "DEEP HURTING!"
    
    --with apologies to all concerned--
    

* * *

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